I admit I have, I have delved deeply into my comprehension of self in relation to the whole. It has possessed me as much as any single question has been able to impress itself upon my brain cells. This single question has gripped me for stretches of ten or more minutes and come up repeatedly in my urge for peace.
It seems to me that in my childhood I grasped a sense of the whole; it was a feeling that had no intellectual support. And so I asked that age old question. Why? Why does life look the way it does when everything in my heart tells me there is but one life. The answers I got were weak even from a three year olds perspective but they always came with such authority there was no room left to explore.
It’s not that my parents were particularly authoritarian. On the contrary, for their generation they were very open minded, I would never have become who I am if it hadn’t been for that openness. They were just answering the subjective questions of a child objectively; they were addressing emotional queries empirically. What I was looking for as a child were answers that addressed the stirrings of feeling in my heart. I rarely got that, through no particular fault of anyone. As I said I was blessed with very open and inquisitive parents. They were still the product of their own parent’s persuasion.
So I forgot; I forgot my original perception that was based solely upon feelings and started to develop a style similar to my parents. Slowly I began to understand their world; I saw the conflicts and witnessed first hand the challenges. I came to know the fear of being alone, the need to be right and the importance of being successful. I came to inherit the world view of my parents.
Slowly, by increments, the pattern seemed to shift. I lost sight of the fields of energy that forever swirled around and played with me. I grew older and by those same tiny measures my world perception changed, completely, a hundred and eighty degrees. I got lost in this outer world. I became fascinated by shapes and sizes, by colours and smells; the things that caught the eyes of others became interesting to me. I found myself constantly enamoured and ensnarled in the glittery little trinkets of the world around me, always seeking to possess them.
Eventually the toys of the world started to lose their allure. I began to wonder why all things seemed to be accompanied by some form of pain and suffering, I became wary of the pain that would inevitably come with the prize and I found myself less and less interested.
It was during this time of fading interest, a time which spanned many years, I was subjected to experiences that circumscribed my worldly experiences. From time to time I saw things and heard things that were not physically tangible. I had experiences occur that redefined my environment and relationships far beyond the capacity of normal coincidence. I was the recipient of miraculous turns of events. Those were the turning points for me. They were the cause of a gradual turning of perspective inward. These occurrences happened occasionally and often with years between them. Still those anomalies were there and they led me to ask again and rephrase my question. Now instead of asking why the world view did not align with my feelings and inner knowing I started asking why my feelings and experiences did not align with my world view. I began to seriously explore those spiritual and religious philosophies my parents had long before introduced me to; Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, Native Pantheism and so many others. Each of them gave me a glimmering of the truth. I learned ever so slowly that there was a love beyond my reckoning that was always with me. Still I didn’t understand this Divine intervention thing that happened so profoundly once in a long while. Why did it only happen sometimes, when I was really desperate? I didn’t understand.
More study; A Course In Miracles, animal totems, the I Am and eventually New Thought and the Science of Mind. It all came together; I finally understood that love was, and is, all there was. I finally came to understand that Love is the law that binds the universe, that love is all there is; absolutely malleable and absolutely binding. I realized that while love is all there is, love is a feeling. I got it, finally I got it. And yet still it wasn’t sticking, I seemed to have that intellectual comprehension yet I had lost touch with the feeling. I have travelled a hundred and eighty degrees. And now the remainder of my life is dedicated to rediscovering that feeling I found so natural when I was a young child. This is what being conscious co-creator is all about. I am now co-authoring my life; and when something doesn’t work the way I would have liked I know how to change it.
When something doesn’t work in another person’s life I know what they must do to change. The feeling, remember the feeling …love. What does love feel like in this moment? How can I bring love to this situation? Or as a wonderful friend of mine likes to say; “What would love do now?
Through love I am rediscovering the child in me.